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AQUARIUS!There's travel in your future when your tongue freezesto the back of a speeding bus |
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Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing |
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Whack-A-Mole 17 hours a day |
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PISCES!Try to avoid any |
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Virgos or |
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Leos with the |
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Ebola virus |
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You are the true |
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Lord of the |
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Dance, no matter whatthose idiots at work say |
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ARIES!The look on your face will be priceless when you findthat 40-pound watermelon in your colon |
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Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give ahickey to |
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Meryl Streep |
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TAURUS!You will never find true happiness - what you gonnado, cry about it? |
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The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunchof stuff and then go back to sleep |
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That's your horoscope for today |
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That's your horoscope for today |
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That's your horoscope for today |
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That's your horoscope for today |
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GEMINI!Your birthday party will be ruined once again by yourexplosive flatulence |
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Your love life will run into trouble your fiancehurls a javelin through your chest |
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CANCER!The position of |
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Jupiter says that you should spend therest of the week face down in the mud |
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Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose whiletaking your driver's test |
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LEO!Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt andstaple it to your boss's face, oh no |
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Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash itdown with a gallon of strawberry |
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QuikVIRGO! |
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All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent -except for you |
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Expect a big surprise today when you wind up withyour head impaled upon a stick |
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That's your horoscope for today |
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That's your horoscope for today |
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That's your horoscope for today |
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That's your horoscope for today |
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Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very leasta bit unlikely that the relative position of the planetsand the stars could have a special deep significance ormeaning that exclusively applies to only you, but letme give you my assurance that these forecasts andpredictions are all based on solid, scientific, documentedevidence, so you would have to be some kind ofmoron not to realize that every single one of them isabsolutely true. |
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Where was |
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I?LIBRA!A big promotion is just around the corner for someonemuch more talented than you |
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Laughter is the very best medicine, remember thatwhen your appendix bursts next week |
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SCORPIO!Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fallscreaming from an open window |
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Work a little bit harder on improving yourlow self esteem, you stupid freak |
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SAGITTARIU |
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S!All your friends are laughing behind your back...kill them |
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Take down all those naked pictures of |
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Ernest Borgnineyou've got hanging in your den |
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CAPRICORN! |
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The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderfulperson... but you know they're lying |
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If I were you, |
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I'd lock my doors and windows and nevernever never never never leave my house again |
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That's your horoscope for today |
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That's your horoscope for today |
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That's your horoscope for today |
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That's your horoscope for today |
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That's your horoscope for today |
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That's your horoscope for today |
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That's your horoscope for today |
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That's your horoscope for today |
