Albuquerque Lyrics

Song	Albuquerque
Artist	Weird Al Yankovic
Album	The Essential
Download	Image LRC TXT

	Here are the actual song lyrics.
	Note：lyrics in italics denote lyrics that were sung.
	Lyrics：
	Way back when i was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement half a block down the street from jerry's bait shop
	You know the place
	Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy
	Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning
	My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast
	Awww - big bowl of sauerkraut
	Every single mornin
	It wa driving me crazy
	I said to my mom
	I said 'hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?'
	And my dear, sweet mother
	She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train
	And she leaned right down next to me
	And she said 'it's good for you'
	And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
	And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until i was twenty six and a half years old
	That's when i swore that someday
	Someday i would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place
	Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer
	And the towels are oh so fluffy
	Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long
	And anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel
	Wacka wacka doodoo yeah
	Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true
	Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest
	To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in leonard nimoy's butt
	I was off by three, but i still won the grand prize
	That's right, a first class one-way ticket to
	Albuquerque
	Albuquerque
	Oh yeah
	You know, i'd never been on a real airplane before
	And i gotta tell ya, it was really great
	Except that i had to sit between two large albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor
	And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time
	The flight attendants ran out of dr. pepper and salted peanuts
	And the in-flight movie was bio-dome with pauly shore
	And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out
	And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
	And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
	Except for me
	You know why?
	'cause i had my tray table up
	And my seat back in the full upright position
	Had my tray table up
	And my seat back in the full upright position
	Had my tray table up
	And my seat back in the full upright position
	Ah ha ha ha
	Ah ha ha
	Ahhhh
	So i crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage
	I crawled on my hands and kneew for three full days
	Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag
	And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball
	And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel
	But finally i arived at the world famous albuquerque holiday inn
	Where the towels are oh so fluffy
	And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
	It's ok, they're clean
	Well, i checked into my room and i turned down the a/c
	And i turned on the spectravision
	And i'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
	That i love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door
	Well now, who could that be?
	I say 'who is it?'
	No answer
	'who is it?'
	There's no answer
	'who is it?'
	They're not sayin' anything
	So, finally i go over and i open the door and just as i suspected
	It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a flock-of-seagulls haircut and only one nostril
	Oh man, i hate it when i'm right
	So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
	And i'm like 'hey, you can't have that'
	'that snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me'
	And he's like 'tough'
	And i'm like 'give it'
	And he's like 'make me'
	And i'm like ''kay'
	So i grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
	And i bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
	And i took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
	Yes indeed, you better believe it
	And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook
	And twenty seconds later, i heard a farmiliar voice
	And you know what it said?
	I'll tell you what it said
	It said
	'if you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again'
	'if you need help, hang up and then dial your operator'
	'if you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again'
	'if you need help, hang up and then dial your operator'
	In albuquerque
	Albuquerque
	Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel
	But i made a a solemn vow right then and there that i would not rest
	I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice
	But first, i decided to buy some donuts
	So i got in my car and i drove over to the donut shop
	And i walked on up to the guy behind the counter
	And he says 'yeah, what do ya want?'
	I said 'you got any glazed donuts?'
	He said 'no, we're outta glazed donuts'
	I said 'you got any jelly donuts?'
	He said 'no, we're outta jelly donuts'
	I said 'you got any bavarian cream-filled donuts?'
	He said 'no, we're outta bavarian cream-filled donuts'
	I said 'you got any cinnamon rolls?'
	He said 'no, we're outta cinnamon rolls'
	I said 'you got any apple fritters?'
	He said 'no, we're outta apple fritters'
	I said 'you got any bear claws?'
	He said 'wait a minute, i'll go check'
	'no, we're outta bear claws'
	I said 'well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?'
	He says 'all i got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels'
	I said 'ok, i'll take that'
	So he hands me the box and i open up the lid and the weasels jump out
	And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over
	(rabid gnawing sounds)
	Oh man, they were just going nuts
	They were tearin' me apart
	You know, i think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head'
	I believe it went a little something like this . . .
	Doh
	Get 'em off me
	Get 'em off me
	Oh
	No, get 'em off, get 'em off
	Oh, oh god, oh god
	Oh, get 'em off me
	Oh, oh god
	Ah, (more screaming)
	I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face
	Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'
	Like a constipated weiner dog
	And as luck wouls have it, that's exactly when i ran into the girl of my dreams
	Her name was zelda
	She was a caligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches
	I'll never forget the first thing she said to me.
	She said 'hey, you've got weasels on your face'
	That's when i knew it was true love
	We were inseperable after that
	Aw, we ate together, we bathed together
	We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss
	The world was our burrito
	So we got married and we bought us a house
	And had two beautiful children - nathaniel and superfly
	Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah
	But then one fateful night, zelda said to me
	She said 'sweetie pumpkin? do you wanna join the columbia record club?'
	I said 'woah, hold on now, baby'
	'i'm just not ready for that kinda commitment'
	So we broke up and i never saw her again
	But that's just the way things go
	In albuquerque
	Albuquerque
	Anyway, things really started lookin' upi for me
	Because about a week later, i finally achieved my lifelong dream
	That's right, i got me a part-time job at the sizzler
	I even made employee of the month after i put that grease fire out with my face
	Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
	I was gettin' a lot of attitude
	Ok, like one time, i was out in the parking lot
	Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
	When i see this guy marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself
	So i, i say to him, i say 'hey, you want me to help you with that?'
	And marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes
	'no, i want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw'
	So i did
	And then he gets all indignant on me
	He's like 'hey man, i was just being sarcastic'
	Well, that's just great
	How was i supposed to know that?
	I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud
	Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - torso-boy
	So what's he complaining about?
	Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
	This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bit in three days
	Well, i knew what he meant
	But just to be funny, i took a big bite out of his jugular vein
	And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over
	And i'm like 'hey, come on, don'tcha get it?'
	But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming
	(screaming sounds)
	You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation
	Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?
	Anyway, um, um, where was i?
	Kinda lost my train of thought
	Uh, well, uh, ok
	Anyway i, i know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it
	But i guess the whole point i'm tryin' to make here is
	I hate sauerkraut
	That's all i'm really tryin' to say
	And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up
	And find yourself in an existential quandry
	Full of loathing and self-doubt
	And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
	At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
	Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up universe of ours
	There's still a little place called
	Albuquerque
	Albuquerque
	Albuquerque, albuquerque
	Albuquerque, albuquerque
	Albuquerque, albuquerque
	Albuquerque, albuquerque
	I said 'a' (a)
	'l' (l)
	'b' (b)
	'u' (u)
	'querque' (querque)
	Albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque
	Albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque
	Albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque
	Albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque
	Albuquerque
	(belch)
	Here are the lyrics from the album booklet.
	Note: the following lyrics are type exactly as they appear in the booklet.
	Lyrics:
	Way back when i was just a little bitty boy
	Living in a box under the stairs in a corner of
	The basement of the house half a block down
	The street from jerr's bait shop... you know
	The place... well anyway, back then life was
	Going swell and everything was juuuuust
	Peachy... except of course for the undeniable
	Fact that every single morning my mother
	Would . . . you know what? the rest of these lyrics
	Aren't gonna fit on here. there's just no room
	Left. what a drag, huh? i guess we didn't plan
	This out very well . . . probably should've used a
	Smaller font or a bigger piece of paper or some-
	Thing. sorry. we all feel just horrible about this.
	Well, i guess you'll just have to listen really carefully
	And try to figure out the words for yourself.
	Good luck.

	Here are the actual song lyrics.
	Note: lyrics in italics denote lyrics that were sung.
	Lyrics:
	Way back when i was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement half a block down the street from jerry' s bait shop
	You know the place
	Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy
	Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning
	My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast
	Awww big bowl of sauerkraut
	Every single mornin
	It wa driving me crazy
	I said to my mom
	I said ' hey, mom, what' s with all the sauerkraut?'
	And my dear, sweet mother
	She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train
	And she leaned right down next to me
	And she said ' it' s good for you'
	And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
	And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until i was twenty six and a half years old
	That' s when i swore that someday
	Someday i would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place
	Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer
	And the towels are oh so fluffy
	Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long
	And anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel
	Wacka wacka doodoo yeah
	Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn' t long at all before my dream came true
	Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest
	To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in leonard nimoy' s butt
	I was off by three, but i still won the grand prize
	That' s right, a first class oneway ticket to
	Albuquerque
	Albuquerque
	Oh yeah
	You know, i' d never been on a real airplane before
	And i gotta tell ya, it was really great
	Except that i had to sit between two large albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor
	And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time
	The flight attendants ran out of dr. pepper and salted peanuts
	And the inflight movie was biodome with pauly shore
	And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out
	And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
	And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
	Except for me
	You know why?
	' cause i had my tray table up
	And my seat back in the full upright position
	Had my tray table up
	And my seat back in the full upright position
	Had my tray table up
	And my seat back in the full upright position
	Ah ha ha ha
	Ah ha ha
	Ahhhh
	So i crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage
	I crawled on my hands and kneew for three full days
	Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag
	And my tenor saxophone and my twelvepound bowling ball
	And my lucky, lucky autographed glowinthedark snorkel
	But finally i arived at the world famous albuquerque holiday inn
	Where the towels are oh so fluffy
	And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
	It' s ok, they' re clean
	Well, i checked into my room and i turned down the a c
	And i turned on the spectravision
	And i' m just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
	That i love so very, very much when suddenly, there' s a knock on the door
	Well now, who could that be?
	I say ' who is it?'
	No answer
	' who is it?'
	There' s no answer
	' who is it?'
	They' re not sayin' anything
	So, finally i go over and i open the door and just as i suspected
	It' s some big fat hermaphrodite with a flockofseagulls haircut and only one nostril
	Oh man, i hate it when i' m right
	So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
	And i' m like ' hey, you can' t have that'
	' that snorkel' s been just like a snorkel to me'
	And he' s like ' tough'
	And i' m like ' give it'
	And he' s like ' make me'
	And i' m like '' kay'
	So i grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
	And i bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
	And i took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
	Yes indeed, you better believe it
	And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook
	And twenty seconds later, i heard a farmiliar voice
	And you know what it said?
	I' ll tell you what it said
	It said
	' if you' d like to make a call, please hang up and try again'
	' if you need help, hang up and then dial your operator'
	' if you' d like to make a call, please hang up and try again'
	' if you need help, hang up and then dial your operator'
	In albuquerque
	Albuquerque
	Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel
	But i made a a solemn vow right then and there that i would not rest
	I would not sleep for an instant until the onenostrilled man was brought to justice
	But first, i decided to buy some donuts
	So i got in my car and i drove over to the donut shop
	And i walked on up to the guy behind the counter
	And he says ' yeah, what do ya want?'
	I said ' you got any glazed donuts?'
	He said ' no, we' re outta glazed donuts'
	I said ' you got any jelly donuts?'
	He said ' no, we' re outta jelly donuts'
	I said ' you got any bavarian creamfilled donuts?'
	He said ' no, we' re outta bavarian creamfilled donuts'
	I said ' you got any cinnamon rolls?'
	He said ' no, we' re outta cinnamon rolls'
	I said ' you got any apple fritters?'
	He said ' no, we' re outta apple fritters'
	I said ' you got any bear claws?'
	He said ' wait a minute, i' ll go check'
	' no, we' re outta bear claws'
	I said ' well, in that case in that case, what do you have?'
	He says ' all i got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels'
	I said ' ok, i' ll take that'
	So he hands me the box and i open up the lid and the weasels jump out
	And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over
	rabid gnawing sounds
	Oh man, they were just going nuts
	They were tearin' me apart
	You know, i think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head'
	I believe it went a little something like this . . .
	Doh
	Get ' em off me
	Get ' em off me
	Oh
	No, get ' em off, get ' em off
	Oh, oh god, oh god
	Oh, get ' em off me
	Oh, oh god
	Ah, more screaming
	I ran out into the street with these flesheating weasels all over my face
	Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'
	Like a constipated weiner dog
	And as luck wouls have it, that' s exactly when i ran into the girl of my dreams
	Her name was zelda
	She was a caligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches
	I' ll never forget the first thing she said to me.
	She said ' hey, you' ve got weasels on your face'
	That' s when i knew it was true love
	We were inseperable after that
	Aw, we ate together, we bathed together
	We even shared the same piece of mintflavored dental floss
	The world was our burrito
	So we got married and we bought us a house
	And had two beautiful children nathaniel and superfly
	Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah
	But then one fateful night, zelda said to me
	She said ' sweetie pumpkin? do you wanna join the columbia record club?'
	I said ' woah, hold on now, baby'
	' i' m just not ready for that kinda commitment'
	So we broke up and i never saw her again
	But that' s just the way things go
	In albuquerque
	Albuquerque
	Anyway, things really started lookin' upi for me
	Because about a week later, i finally achieved my lifelong dream
	That' s right, i got me a parttime job at the sizzler
	I even made employee of the month after i put that grease fire out with my face
	Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
	I was gettin' a lot of attitude
	Ok, like one time, i was out in the parking lot
	Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
	When i see this guy marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself
	So i, i say to him, i say ' hey, you want me to help you with that?'
	And marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes
	' no, i want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw'
	So i did
	And then he gets all indignant on me
	He' s like ' hey man, i was just being sarcastic'
	Well, that' s just great
	How was i supposed to know that?
	I' m not a mind reader for cryin' out loud
	Besides, now he' s got a really cute nickname torsoboy
	So what' s he complaining about?
	Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
	This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn' t had a bit in three days
	Well, i knew what he meant
	But just to be funny, i took a big bite out of his jugular vein
	And he' s yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over
	And i' m like ' hey, come on, don' tcha get it?'
	But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming
	screaming sounds
	You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation
	Man, some people just can' t take a joke, you know?
	Anyway, um, um, where was i?
	Kinda lost my train of thought
	Uh, well, uh, ok
	Anyway i, i know it' s kinda been a roundabout way of saying it
	But i guess the whole point i' m tryin' to make here is
	I hate sauerkraut
	That' s all i' m really tryin' to say
	And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up
	And find yourself in an existential quandry
	Full of loathing and selfdoubt
	And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
	At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
	Somewhere out there in this crazy mixedup universe of ours
	There' s still a little place called
	Albuquerque
	Albuquerque
	Albuquerque, albuquerque
	Albuquerque, albuquerque
	Albuquerque, albuquerque
	Albuquerque, albuquerque
	I said ' a' a
	' l' l
	' b' b
	' u' u
	' querque' querque
	Albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque
	Albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque
	Albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque
	Albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque
	Albuquerque
	belch
	Here are the lyrics from the album booklet.
	Note: the following lyrics are type exactly as they appear in the booklet.
	Lyrics:
	Way back when i was just a little bitty boy
	Living in a box under the stairs in a corner of
	The basement of the house half a block down
	The street from jerr' s bait shop... you know
	The place... well anyway, back then life was
	Going swell and everything was juuuuust
	Peachy... except of course for the undeniable
	Fact that every single morning my mother
	Would . . . you know what? the rest of these lyrics
	Aren' t gonna fit on here. there' s just no room
	Left. what a drag, huh? i guess we didn' t plan
	This out very well . . . probably should' ve used a
	Smaller font or a bigger piece of paper or some
	Thing. sorry. we all feel just horrible about this.
	Well, i guess you' ll just have to listen really carefully
	And try to figure out the words for yourself.
	Good luck.

	Here are the actual song lyrics.
	Note: lyrics in italics denote lyrics that were sung.
	Lyrics:
	Way back when i was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement half a block down the street from jerry' s bait shop
	You know the place
	Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy
	Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning
	My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast
	Awww big bowl of sauerkraut
	Every single mornin
	It wa driving me crazy
	I said to my mom
	I said ' hey, mom, what' s with all the sauerkraut?'
	And my dear, sweet mother
	She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train
	And she leaned right down next to me
	And she said ' it' s good for you'
	And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
	And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until i was twenty six and a half years old
	That' s when i swore that someday
	Someday i would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place
	Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer
	And the towels are oh so fluffy
	Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long
	And anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel
	Wacka wacka doodoo yeah
	Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn' t long at all before my dream came true
	Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest
	To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in leonard nimoy' s butt
	I was off by three, but i still won the grand prize
	That' s right, a first class oneway ticket to
	Albuquerque
	Albuquerque
	Oh yeah
	You know, i' d never been on a real airplane before
	And i gotta tell ya, it was really great
	Except that i had to sit between two large albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor
	And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time
	The flight attendants ran out of dr. pepper and salted peanuts
	And the inflight movie was biodome with pauly shore
	And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out
	And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
	And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
	Except for me
	You know why?
	' cause i had my tray table up
	And my seat back in the full upright position
	Had my tray table up
	And my seat back in the full upright position
	Had my tray table up
	And my seat back in the full upright position
	Ah ha ha ha
	Ah ha ha
	Ahhhh
	So i crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage
	I crawled on my hands and kneew for three full days
	Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag
	And my tenor saxophone and my twelvepound bowling ball
	And my lucky, lucky autographed glowinthedark snorkel
	But finally i arived at the world famous albuquerque holiday inn
	Where the towels are oh so fluffy
	And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
	It' s ok, they' re clean
	Well, i checked into my room and i turned down the a c
	And i turned on the spectravision
	And i' m just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
	That i love so very, very much when suddenly, there' s a knock on the door
	Well now, who could that be?
	I say ' who is it?'
	No answer
	' who is it?'
	There' s no answer
	' who is it?'
	They' re not sayin' anything
	So, finally i go over and i open the door and just as i suspected
	It' s some big fat hermaphrodite with a flockofseagulls haircut and only one nostril
	Oh man, i hate it when i' m right
	So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
	And i' m like ' hey, you can' t have that'
	' that snorkel' s been just like a snorkel to me'
	And he' s like ' tough'
	And i' m like ' give it'
	And he' s like ' make me'
	And i' m like '' kay'
	So i grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
	And i bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
	And i took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
	Yes indeed, you better believe it
	And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook
	And twenty seconds later, i heard a farmiliar voice
	And you know what it said?
	I' ll tell you what it said
	It said
	' if you' d like to make a call, please hang up and try again'
	' if you need help, hang up and then dial your operator'
	' if you' d like to make a call, please hang up and try again'
	' if you need help, hang up and then dial your operator'
	In albuquerque
	Albuquerque
	Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel
	But i made a a solemn vow right then and there that i would not rest
	I would not sleep for an instant until the onenostrilled man was brought to justice
	But first, i decided to buy some donuts
	So i got in my car and i drove over to the donut shop
	And i walked on up to the guy behind the counter
	And he says ' yeah, what do ya want?'
	I said ' you got any glazed donuts?'
	He said ' no, we' re outta glazed donuts'
	I said ' you got any jelly donuts?'
	He said ' no, we' re outta jelly donuts'
	I said ' you got any bavarian creamfilled donuts?'
	He said ' no, we' re outta bavarian creamfilled donuts'
	I said ' you got any cinnamon rolls?'
	He said ' no, we' re outta cinnamon rolls'
	I said ' you got any apple fritters?'
	He said ' no, we' re outta apple fritters'
	I said ' you got any bear claws?'
	He said ' wait a minute, i' ll go check'
	' no, we' re outta bear claws'
	I said ' well, in that case in that case, what do you have?'
	He says ' all i got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels'
	I said ' ok, i' ll take that'
	So he hands me the box and i open up the lid and the weasels jump out
	And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over
	rabid gnawing sounds
	Oh man, they were just going nuts
	They were tearin' me apart
	You know, i think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head'
	I believe it went a little something like this . . .
	Doh
	Get ' em off me
	Get ' em off me
	Oh
	No, get ' em off, get ' em off
	Oh, oh god, oh god
	Oh, get ' em off me
	Oh, oh god
	Ah, more screaming
	I ran out into the street with these flesheating weasels all over my face
	Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'
	Like a constipated weiner dog
	And as luck wouls have it, that' s exactly when i ran into the girl of my dreams
	Her name was zelda
	She was a caligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches
	I' ll never forget the first thing she said to me.
	She said ' hey, you' ve got weasels on your face'
	That' s when i knew it was true love
	We were inseperable after that
	Aw, we ate together, we bathed together
	We even shared the same piece of mintflavored dental floss
	The world was our burrito
	So we got married and we bought us a house
	And had two beautiful children nathaniel and superfly
	Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah
	But then one fateful night, zelda said to me
	She said ' sweetie pumpkin? do you wanna join the columbia record club?'
	I said ' woah, hold on now, baby'
	' i' m just not ready for that kinda commitment'
	So we broke up and i never saw her again
	But that' s just the way things go
	In albuquerque
	Albuquerque
	Anyway, things really started lookin' upi for me
	Because about a week later, i finally achieved my lifelong dream
	That' s right, i got me a parttime job at the sizzler
	I even made employee of the month after i put that grease fire out with my face
	Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
	I was gettin' a lot of attitude
	Ok, like one time, i was out in the parking lot
	Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
	When i see this guy marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself
	So i, i say to him, i say ' hey, you want me to help you with that?'
	And marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes
	' no, i want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw'
	So i did
	And then he gets all indignant on me
	He' s like ' hey man, i was just being sarcastic'
	Well, that' s just great
	How was i supposed to know that?
	I' m not a mind reader for cryin' out loud
	Besides, now he' s got a really cute nickname torsoboy
	So what' s he complaining about?
	Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
	This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn' t had a bit in three days
	Well, i knew what he meant
	But just to be funny, i took a big bite out of his jugular vein
	And he' s yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over
	And i' m like ' hey, come on, don' tcha get it?'
	But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming
	screaming sounds
	You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation
	Man, some people just can' t take a joke, you know?
	Anyway, um, um, where was i?
	Kinda lost my train of thought
	Uh, well, uh, ok
	Anyway i, i know it' s kinda been a roundabout way of saying it
	But i guess the whole point i' m tryin' to make here is
	I hate sauerkraut
	That' s all i' m really tryin' to say
	And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up
	And find yourself in an existential quandry
	Full of loathing and selfdoubt
	And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
	At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
	Somewhere out there in this crazy mixedup universe of ours
	There' s still a little place called
	Albuquerque
	Albuquerque
	Albuquerque, albuquerque
	Albuquerque, albuquerque
	Albuquerque, albuquerque
	Albuquerque, albuquerque
	I said ' a' a
	' l' l
	' b' b
	' u' u
	' querque' querque
	Albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque
	Albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque
	Albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque
	Albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque
	Albuquerque
	belch
	Here are the lyrics from the album booklet.
	Note: the following lyrics are type exactly as they appear in the booklet.
	Lyrics:
	Way back when i was just a little bitty boy
	Living in a box under the stairs in a corner of
	The basement of the house half a block down
	The street from jerr' s bait shop... you know
	The place... well anyway, back then life was
	Going swell and everything was juuuuust
	Peachy... except of course for the undeniable
	Fact that every single morning my mother
	Would . . . you know what? the rest of these lyrics
	Aren' t gonna fit on here. there' s just no room
	Left. what a drag, huh? i guess we didn' t plan
	This out very well . . . probably should' ve used a
	Smaller font or a bigger piece of paper or some
	Thing. sorry. we all feel just horrible about this.
	Well, i guess you' ll just have to listen really carefully
	And try to figure out the words for yourself.
	Good luck.

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