AND NOW, we wish to honor you with The story of JOSEPH SMITH
THE AMERICAN MOSES!
Oh! This is very good! Praise Christ!
Mormon!
I am going to take you back in time.
Mormon!
To the United States, 1823…
Mormon!
A small and poor village called Oopstate New York.
Oop-state!
There was disease and famine.
So sick!
But also in this village lived a simple farmer who would change everything.
His name… was Joseph Smith.
Ya ya ya ya ya ya
ya ya ya
HA – OOM!
Joseph Smith
American Moses!
Praise be to Joseph,
American prophet man.
Ay, my name is Joseph Smith.
I’m going to fuck this baby.
What?!
HA – OOM!
No no Joseph!. Don’t fuck da baby!
Joseph Smith. Don’t fuck da baby!
Suddenly the clouds parted,
and Joseph Smith was visited by God!
HA – OOM!
Joseph Smith!
Do not fuck a baby!
I’ll get rid of your AIDS
If you fuck dis frog.
Joseph Smith fucked the frog God gave to him and his AIDS went away!
Then, a great wizard named MORONI appeared from the starship Enterprise!
Joseph Smith.
Your village is shit.
You shall lead your villagers to a new village.
TAKE THESE FUCKING GOLDEN PLATES!
Oh – way!
And on the plates were written the directions to a new land
SALT – TA – LAAAAY – SITI!
Salt – ta – laaaay – siti!
Joseph tried to convince ALL the villagers to follow him and his golden plates!
Liberation! Equality!
No more slavery for Oopstate Mormon people!
I GOT THE GOLDEN PLATES!
Gold plates.
I’m gonna lead the people.
We head west!
We gotta stick togeddah.
Mormons!
We gotta help each uddah.
We’re Mormons!
And so we climb the mountain.
We head west.
And we cross the river.
We head west!
And we fight the oppression.
Mormons!
By being nice to ev’ryone.
We’re Mormons!
Not so fast, Mormons!
You shall not pass MY mountain!
Down from the mountain, look who comes!
The American warlord, Brigham Young!
Yes, I am Brigham Young!
I cut off my daughter’s clitoris!
That made God angry, so he turned my nose into a clit for punishment!
Brigham Young!
His nose was a clitoris.
What will you do Joseph?
Will you fight the clitoris man?
Not fight him…help him!
Joseph Smith took his magical fuck frog and rubbed it upon Brigham Young’s clit face.
And behold, Brigham was CURED!
Joseph Smith - magical AIDS frog
Brigham Young - frog on his clit face
Brigham Young was so grateful,
he decided to join the Mormons on their journey.
C0mpassion!
Courtesy!
Let’s be really fucking polite to everyone!
I got the golden plates.
Gold plates.
I’m gonna lead the people.
We head west!
We gotta stick togeddah.
Mormons!
Now comes the part of our story that gets a little bit sad.
Ohhhh…..
After traveling for so long,
the Mormons ran out of fresh water,
and became sick…with dysentery!
Mormon go to da watah
Watah go to da cup
Cup go to da stomach
Shit come out da butt
Shit go in da watah
Watah go in da cup
Shit go down da stomach
Shit come out da butt.
Oh fuck!
Oh no! The prophet Joseph Smith is now getting sick!
Shit go in da watah
Watah go in da cup
Cup go to da thirsty
Shit go to da stomach
Blood come out da butt
Blood go to da watah
Watah go in da cup
Cup go to da throat
Shit blood in da stomach
Shit blood in da mouth
Shit blood on da insides
Watah come out da butt!
Brigham Young!
You must take the golden plates and lead the Mormons to the Promised Land!
Desperation! Mortality! Loss of Faith!
Ahhhh –
Got the golden plates.
Gold plates.
Gonna lead the people.
We head west!
Even thought their prophet had died,
the Mormons stuck together, and helped each other,
and were really nice to everyone they came across.
And then one day,
the Mormons finally FOUND Sal Tlay Ka Siti!
Sal Tlay Ka Siti!
And there, the Mormons danced with Ewoks!
And were greeted by Jesus!
Welcome Mormons!
Now let’s all have as MANY BABIES AS WE CAN!
To make BIG MORMON FAMILIES!!!!
F*k your woman,
F*k your man!
It is all part of God’s plan,
Mormons fuck all that they can
Here in Salt Lake City land!
Thank you, thank you God!
(Now we are fucking!)
Thank you, thank you God!
(God wants us fucking)
Thank you, thank you God!
(Get back to fucking)
Thank you, thank you God!
Joseph Smith fuck frog
Brigham Young clit face
Shit come out de butt,
Jesus says fuck fuck
Mormons!!!!!