[00:00.19]AND NOW, we wish to honor you with The story of JOSEPH SMITH
[00:06.99]THE AMERICAN MOSES!
[00:09.39]Oh! This is very good! Praise Christ!
[00:13.64]Mormon!
[00:16.95]I am going to take you back in time.
[00:19.90]Mormon!
[00:20.65]To the United States, 1823…
[00:23.36]Mormon!
[00:24.01]A small and poor village called Oopstate New York.
[00:26.86]Oop-state!
[00:27.52]There was disease and famine.
[00:30.22]So sick!
[00:30.97]But also in this village lived a simple farmer who would change everything.
[00:36.07]His name… was Joseph Smith.
[00:40.83]Ya ya ya ya ya ya
[00:41.15]ya ya ya
[00:42.35]HA – OOM!
[00:44.55]Joseph Smith
[00:45.80]American Moses!
[00:47.80]Praise be to Joseph,
[00:49.70]American prophet man.
[00:51.70]Ay, my name is Joseph Smith.
[00:53.90]I’m going to fuck this baby.
[00:56.45]What?!
[00:57.00]HA – OOM!
[00:57.60]No no Joseph!. Don’t fuck da baby!
[01:01.00]Joseph Smith. Don’t fuck da baby!
[01:04.74]Suddenly the clouds parted,
[01:06.74]and Joseph Smith was visited by God!
[01:09.59]HA – OOM!
[01:10.49]Joseph Smith!
[01:12.19]Do not fuck a baby!
[01:14.39]I’ll get rid of your AIDS
[01:16.19]If you fuck dis frog.
[01:23.25]Joseph Smith fucked the frog God gave to him and his AIDS went away!
[01:28.50]Then, a great wizard named MORONI appeared from the starship Enterprise!
[01:33.31]Joseph Smith.
[01:35.21]Your village is shit.
[01:37.41]You shall lead your villagers to a new village.
[01:40.52]TAKE THESE FUCKING GOLDEN PLATES!
[01:42.33]Oh – way!
[01:44.38]And on the plates were written the directions to a new land
[01:48.48]SALT – TA – LAAAAY – SITI!
[01:51.68]Salt – ta – laaaay – siti!
[01:55.03]Joseph tried to convince ALL the villagers to follow him and his golden plates!
[02:00.55]Liberation! Equality!
[02:02.45]No more slavery for Oopstate Mormon people!
[02:06.80]I GOT THE GOLDEN PLATES!
[02:07.95]Gold plates.
[02:09.20]I’m gonna lead the people.
[02:10.51]We head west!
[02:11.63]We gotta stick togeddah.
[02:13.14]Mormons!
[02:14.09]We gotta help each uddah.
[02:15.54]We’re Mormons!
[02:16.54]And so we climb the mountain.
[02:17.99]We head west.
[02:18.99]And we cross the river.
[02:20.45]We head west!
[02:21.40]And we fight the oppression.
[02:23.10]Mormons!
[02:23.80]By being nice to ev’ryone.
[02:25.45]We’re Mormons!
[02:26.91]Not so fast, Mormons!
[02:28.41]You shall not pass MY mountain!
[02:30.91]Down from the mountain, look who comes!
[02:32.77]The American warlord, Brigham Young!
[02:34.47]Yes, I am Brigham Young!
[02:37.82]I cut off my daughter’s clitoris!
[02:40.02]That made God angry, so he turned my nose into a clit for punishment!
[02:45.39]Brigham Young!
[02:46.94]His nose was a clitoris.
[02:49.29]What will you do Joseph?
[02:50.49]Will you fight the clitoris man?
[02:52.50]Not fight him…help him!
[02:56.80]Joseph Smith took his magical fuck frog and rubbed it upon Brigham Young’s clit face.
[03:02.52]And behold, Brigham was CURED!
[03:07.37]Joseph Smith - magical AIDS frog
[03:10.78]Brigham Young - frog on his clit face
[03:15.29]Brigham Young was so grateful,
[03:17.59]he decided to join the Mormons on their journey.
[03:21.70]C0mpassion!
[03:22.85]Courtesy!
[03:23.65]Let’s be really fucking polite to everyone!
[03:27.96]I got the golden plates.
[03:29.02]Gold plates.
[03:30.32]I’m gonna lead the people.
[03:31.47]We head west!
[03:32.72]We gotta stick togeddah.
[03:34.07]Mormons!
[03:36.33]Now comes the part of our story that gets a little bit sad.
[03:40.68]Ohhhh…..
[03:42.49]After traveling for so long,
[03:44.90]the Mormons ran out of fresh water,
[03:47.40]and became sick…with dysentery!
[03:51.96]Mormon go to da watah
[03:53.27]Watah go to da cup
[03:55.37]Cup go to da stomach
[03:56.82]Shit come out da butt
[03:59.02]Shit go in da watah
[04:00.52]Watah go in da cup
[04:01.92]Shit go down da stomach
[04:03.17]Shit come out da butt.
[04:04.67]Oh fuck!
[04:06.82]Oh no! The prophet Joseph Smith is now getting sick!
[04:11.94]Shit go in da watah
[04:13.29]Watah go in da cup
[04:14.39]Cup go to da thirsty
[04:15.74]Shit go to da stomach
[04:17.30]Blood come out da butt
[04:18.55]Blood go to da watah
[04:19.85]Watah go in da cup
[04:21.30]Cup go to da throat
[04:22.70]Shit blood in da stomach
[04:23.85]Shit blood in da mouth
[04:25.16]Shit blood on da insides
[04:26.52]Watah come out da butt!
[04:28.32]Brigham Young!
[04:29.47]You must take the golden plates and lead the Mormons to the Promised Land!
[04:38.47]Desperation! Mortality! Loss of Faith!
[04:42.29]Ahhhh –
[04:45.50]Got the golden plates.
[04:47.01]Gold plates.
[04:47.86]Gonna lead the people.
[04:48.96]We head west!
[04:50.11]Even thought their prophet had died,
[04:52.36]the Mormons stuck together, and helped each other,
[04:55.86]and were really nice to everyone they came across.
[04:58.86]And then one day,
[05:00.61]the Mormons finally FOUND Sal Tlay Ka Siti!
[05:06.01]Sal Tlay Ka Siti!
[05:09.66]And there, the Mormons danced with Ewoks!
[05:12.77]And were greeted by Jesus!
[05:15.82]Welcome Mormons!
[05:18.37]Now let’s all have as MANY BABIES AS WE CAN!
[05:21.78]To make BIG MORMON FAMILIES!!!!
[05:29.18]F*k your woman,
[05:29.98]F*k your man!
[05:31.19]It is all part of God’s plan,
[05:33.79]Mormons fuck all that they can
[05:35.75]Here in Salt Lake City land!
[05:38.30]Thank you, thank you God!
[05:41.53](Now we are fucking!)
[05:42.78]Thank you, thank you God!
[05:46.23](God wants us fucking)
[05:47.38]Thank you, thank you God!
[05:50.69](Get back to fucking)
[05:51.94]Thank you, thank you God!
[05:56.74]Joseph Smith fuck frog
[05:58.19]Brigham Young clit face
[05:59.49]Shit come out de butt,
[06:00.99]Jesus says fuck fuck
[06:03.54]Mormons!!!!!