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zuò qǔ : Bo Burnham |
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zuò cí : Bo Burnham |
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I believe there is nothing more manly one can do than take a shower with five other guys. It' s true, it' s not a joke, it' s early cavemen, you know. |
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Cro-Magnon wandering through the fog, you know, scrubbing five other sapiens, no homo |
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I wanna do a poem for you, some poems for you, right now. I' ve got the chimes: |
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Ooh, a genie just came! Alright, um. . . |
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Now that we' re a little halfway through the show, I' d sorta like to take the pressure off you, the audience, and just read some serious poetry, then we' ll kinda go back to the giggles. |
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This is from my book, " Egghead", that some of you may already have, or, something, so I won' t keep it too long, in case, you know, some of you have heard this stuff, but, uh. . . |
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Just sit back and enjoy, uh, this, uh, poetry |
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" Roses are gray |
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Violets are a different shade of gray |
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Let' s go chase cars. " |
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That' s by a dog |
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This is a poem about women' s bodies, and the ability to transform your body issues, and transcend them: |
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" Martha was ugly, like a shaven baboon |
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So she wrapped herself up in a curtain cocoon |
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And after a week, she finally emerged |
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She smelled like shit. What a psycho. " |
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You can' t transcend them, I guess that' s the moral |
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" Me, with my strange choice of adjectives |
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You, with your muscular teeth |
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And clockwise v a. " |
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" You' re incomparable, like a. . . |
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Yeah, that' s the word" |
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" I wanna beat you to death with a blunt object |
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I wanna grab one of those high-end fashion mannequins by the ankles and bash your ribcage in |
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I wanna sharpen 50 pencils, bind them with a rubber band, stick the lead end in your mouth and punch the erasers |
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I wanna strap you to a bed of nails, then strap that bed of nails to the hood of my car so I can watch you suffer as we drive over speed bumps in a mall parking lot during an earthquake |
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I want you to somehow survive a terrible car crash and somehow not survive a small fender-bender on the way back from the hospital. " |
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That' s called " Dad" |
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" If I had a million dollars, I' d pay your mother to have sex with me |
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Afterwards, probably I' d invest in the remaining 999, 990" |
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10 for sex with your mother! Comedy! |
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I can see the light in your face, b h! Stop texting! |
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Um, it' s just a comment for someone in the crowd. . . It' s your time, do what you want. And the texting won' t show on the CD, so, that' s okay. |
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Now look what I' ve done |
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And finally. . . |
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" Mid-October, with leaves spilled like colored pencil shavings |
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The streets dicing our town into neat, unfair portions |
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And me, eatin' that p y, baby |
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Thank you so mu |
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Oh, man, thank you guys so much, thank you for being a part of this, coming to the show, uh. . . |
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I just need one person' s enthusiasm, that' s all I need to carry me |
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" Oh, ow! I' m turned on and hurt! " |
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Um, I, so, I am so grateful to you coming here, I know I keep saying that, it sounds redundant, but, uh, my gratefulness is redundant, so, um, but, uh. . . |