ANYA:
This is the man that I plan to entangle
Isn't he fine?
My claim to fame was to maim and to mangle
Vengeance was mine!
But I'm out of the biz
The name I made, I'll trade for his
The only trouble is - -
I'll never tell.
XANDER:
She is the one
She's such wonderful fun
Such passion and grace
Warm in the night when I'm right in her tight - -
Embrace! Tight embrace!
I'll never let her go
The love we've known can only grow
There's just one thing that - -
No. I'll never tell.
ANYA AND XANDER:
Cause there's nothing to tell.
ANYA:
He snores
XANDER:
She wheezes
ANYA:
Say "housework" and he freezes
XANDER:
She eats these skeezy cheeses that I can't describe
ANYA:
I talk; he breezes
XANDER:
She doesn't know what "please" is
ANYA:
His penis got diseases from a Chumash tribe!
ANYA AND XANDER:
The vibe gets kind of scary
XANDER:
Like, she thinks I'm ordinary
ANYA:
Like, it's all just temporary
XANDER:
Like, her toes are kind of hairy
ANYA AND XANDER:
But it's all very well
Cause, God knows, I'll never tell!
ANYA:
When things get rough, he
Just hides behind his Buffy!
Now look, he's getting huffy
Cause he knows that I know.
XANDER:
She clings
She's needy
She's also really greedy
She nev - -
ANYA:
His eyes are beady!
XANDER:
This is my verse, hello?
She - -
ANYA (Spoken):
Look at me! I'm dancing crazy!
ANYA AND XANDER:
You know
XANDER:
You're quite the charmer
ANYA
My knight in armor
XANDER:
You're the cutest of the Scoobies
With your lips as red as rubies
And your firm, yet supple - -
Tight embrace!
ANYA:
He's swell
XANDER:
She's sweller
ANYA:
He'll always be my feller
XANDER:
That's why I'll never tell her that I'm petrified
ANYA:
I've read this tale
There's wedding, then betrayal
And I know there'll come the day I'll want to run and hide
ANYA AND XANDER:
I lied
I said it's easy
I've tried
But there's these fears I can't quell
XANDER:
Is she looking for a pot of gold
ANYA:
Will I look good when I've gotten old?
XANDER:
Will our lives become too stressful if I'm never that successful?
ANYA:
Will I get so worn and wrinkly that I look like David Brinkley?
XANDER:
Am I crazy?
ANYA:
Am I dreamin'?
XANDER:
Am I marrying a demon?
ANYA AND XANDER:
We can really raise the beam in making marriage a hell!
So, thank God, I'll never tell!
I swear, that I'll never tell
XANDER:
My lips are sealed
ANYA:
I take the Fifth
XANDER:
Nothing to see
Move it along
ANYA AND XANDER:
I'll never
Tell!