I play in a band 
We're the best in the land 
We're big in both Chelsea and France 
I play one mean guitar and then score at the bar 
There's a line of chicks waiting for their chance 
So come on now honey, I'll make you feel pretty 
These other gals mean nothing to me 
Let's finish these drinks and be gone for the night 
'Cause I'm more than a handful, you'll see 
So kiss me, I'm shitfaced
And I'm soaked and I'm soiled and brown
In the trousers, she kissed me!
And I only bought her one round
I can bench press a car 
I'm an ex-football star 
With degrees from both Harvard and Yale 
Girls just can't keep up 
I'm a real love machine 
I've had far better sex while in jail 
I designed the Sears tower 
I make two grand an hour 
I cook the world's best duck flambe 
I'll take the pick of the liter 
And girls jockey for me 
I don't need these lines to get laid 
So kiss me, I'm shitfaced
And I'm soaked and I'm soiled and brown
In the trousers, she kissed me!
And I only bought her one round
I'm the man of the night 
A real ladies delight 
See, my figure was chiselled from stone 
One more for the gal, then I'll escort her home 
Come last call, I'm never alone
I own a house on the hill with a red water bed 
It puts Hugh Hefner's mansion to shame 
With girls by the pool and italian sports cars 
I'm just here in this dump for the game
So kiss me, I'm shitfaced
And I'm soaked and I'm soiled and brown
In the trousers, she kissed me!
And I only bought her one round
So kiss me, I'm shitfaced
And I'm soaked and I'm soiled and brown
In the trousers, she kissed me!
And I only bought her one round
Ahh, fuck it. Who am I shittin'? 
I'm a pitiful sight
And I ain't all that bright 
I'm definitely not chiselled from stone 
I'm a cheat and a liar 
No women's desire 
I'll probably die cold and alone 
But just give me a chance 
'Cause deep down inside 
I swear I got a big heart of gold 
I'm a monogamous man 
No more one night stands 
Come on, honey, let me take you home 
So kiss me, I'm shitfaced
And I'm soaked and I'm soiled and brown
In the trousers, she kissed me!
And I only bought her one round
So kiss me, I'm shitfaced
And I'm soaked and I'm soiled and brown
In the trousers, she kissed me!
And I only bought her one round
So kiss me, I'm shitfaced
And I'm soaked and I'm soiled and brown
In the trousers, she kissed me!
And I only bought her one round
So kiss me, I'm shitfaced
And I'm soaked and I'm soiled and brown
In the trousers, she kissed me!
And I only bought her one round